Saturday night was a dark night for me. Sydney's exzema caused her to be up all night trying to scratch her face. For two nights previous to that we'd been able to swaddle her really tightly, which helped a little bit. She couldn't get her arms free to scratch her face (scratching makes an itch worse as I'm sure you know) so she forgot about it and slept.
By Saturday night, things were getting worse for her. I stayed up with her and held her as she cried and tried to scratch. When she wasn't crying she was making frustrated sounds, low guttural noises and flailing her fists in the air. She finally slept around 3:30 a.m., but I was so upset myself at that point that I stayed awake another two hours. Being awake and sad for her only intensified the feelings of self-doubt and frustration I'd already been feeling. I thought back to the time when Mark suggested we try to have a baby. We discussed whether any diseases ran in our families eliminating Down Syndrome and whatnot. He brought up his allergies and we agreed it wasn't something we couldn't handle. In those wee hours though I began to wonder if I could handle it. And then I began to feel mad at myself because I "asked" for this. I signed up to have a baby so I should be able to handle everything that comes along with one, right? It seems like a trivial problem and we are so lucky that we are only dealing with a skin problem. However, it has been hard to watch her go from being a happy, easy baby to a frustrated, itchy, teary baby. I held her and tried to catalogue every piece of food that I'd eaten. And because I was tired and she was crying which made me cry, I began to assume that everything that had entered my body was making her sick.
The Pediatrician recommended hypoallergenic formula when she does begin to take solid foods or if I should want to stop nursing for some reason. When she finally went to sleep, I decided to research this. Not only is hypoallergenic formula $15 per ounce (and she eats about 6 ounces a day), but there are studies that show a higher level of neurotoxins in hypoallergenic formula than in either soy-based or milk-based formula. Of course, I decided that meant I have to breastfeed her until she's at least one year if not older.
To eliminate her eczema flare ups I need to eliminate foods from my diet. It's not the end of the world, but it is difficult. Do you know that soy is in everything? And it seems that no one carries egg replacer - sure, there is egg substitute, but egg substitute has a main ingredient of egg whites.
So the two things causing me to be a bit more sleep-deprived than the usual early a.m. diaper changes and feedings is her allergies and her eczema.
Further, Mark and I had been feeling fairly disconnected from each other. Without meaning to, I was telling him how to parent (something I hate witnessing in other parents). I'm with Sydney all day and I had maintained that I knew what she needed and all of that. Understandably, he was a bit irritated by that. And I was holding in alot of anger with him. And then there was the "other" issue looming over our heads: sex. Usually we are great at communicating with one another, but at the end of the night we just were not talking much about anything.
Added to that was the stress of not being able to get any of the three breast pumps to work. I'd reached the point where I was convinced that my boobs just wouldn't pump and I envisioned not being able to leave Sydney with a sitter for the next year. I love her and I miss her when she's out of my sight for even two seconds, but I still want to be able to go out for coffee (decaf, rice milk coffee of course) without her. Or to maybe get back to work. Or even to have a date with my husband where we eat dinner and have a glass of wine or two. So because the pumps would not work for me, I didn't think any of those things were possible.
There I was Saturday morning, feeling guilty for contributing to Sydney's unhappiness, feeling sad for myself, not communicating my desires/unhappiness/self-doubts/anger with Mark, feeling disconnected from Mark because he wants to resume our sex life and I so do NOT, and assuming I'll never have one free moment to myself ever in the next year at least. There were some other issues fighting for attention in my mind that night/early morning also, but I'm not ready to talk about those.
I'm glad I waited a few days before writing about my dark night. A few days' perspective always seems to help, because things have improved.
I saw a lactation consultant today who helped me with the pump issue. I'm embarassed to say it, but there is one tiny, part (five centimeters in length) that was missing from the pump and a part I thought needed to be removed during the pumping session that was supposed to be ON causing all of the problems. Once the Lactation consultant adjusted everything for me, I pumped out 5 ounces of milk in 15 mintues. Clearly, nothing wrong with my boobs. (She was quite impressed with my body's ability to produce milk). Now I know how to use it and when to use it, so I can feel a bit of freedom if I need to. I tried to pump later today and I couldn't get anything out of it, but I am hoping that was just a fluke.
I found the number to Mark's allergist that he saw as a baby. I need to find out if our insurance will pay without a referral from the Ped. I'm hoping they will because our Pediatrician isn't cheap, even with insurance, and I'd like to skip that step if I can. Once I get in to see the specialist and gain some more knowledge I'll be happier.
Now, if only she would sleep long enough for me to pack a box things will go along more smoothly. I know this will pass and once we're in our new house we'll all be happier, but I just can't seem to get one day at a time right now -- they all blend together.
And of course, I'm constantly in battle with my "Am I a good mom?" voice. The most recent issue that makes me dispute my abilities as a parent is that Sydney has a yeast infection in the folds of her neck. I am not making this up. I noticed yesterday a bright, red rash that spread across her neck but I assumed it was part of the eczema. Then this morning, Mark wakes her to change her diaper and get her ready for the day, and tells me her cute baby smell has been replaced with something "funky". She and I had just nursed lying down together so I just assumed it was sour milk. But no, things cannot be that easy, and it turns out the nurse says what I'm describing is a yeast infection. She says it's fairly common (I hope it is, because I'm grossed out and want to bathe her every ten minutes). My poor daughter, eczema and a yeast infection. Nice job mom!
But she doesn't seem bothered by the yeast infection. She just hangs out trying to scratch her face and occasionally smiling and looking into my eyes.
By Saturday night, things were getting worse for her. I stayed up with her and held her as she cried and tried to scratch. When she wasn't crying she was making frustrated sounds, low guttural noises and flailing her fists in the air. She finally slept around 3:30 a.m., but I was so upset myself at that point that I stayed awake another two hours. Being awake and sad for her only intensified the feelings of self-doubt and frustration I'd already been feeling. I thought back to the time when Mark suggested we try to have a baby. We discussed whether any diseases ran in our families eliminating Down Syndrome and whatnot. He brought up his allergies and we agreed it wasn't something we couldn't handle. In those wee hours though I began to wonder if I could handle it. And then I began to feel mad at myself because I "asked" for this. I signed up to have a baby so I should be able to handle everything that comes along with one, right? It seems like a trivial problem and we are so lucky that we are only dealing with a skin problem. However, it has been hard to watch her go from being a happy, easy baby to a frustrated, itchy, teary baby. I held her and tried to catalogue every piece of food that I'd eaten. And because I was tired and she was crying which made me cry, I began to assume that everything that had entered my body was making her sick.
The Pediatrician recommended hypoallergenic formula when she does begin to take solid foods or if I should want to stop nursing for some reason. When she finally went to sleep, I decided to research this. Not only is hypoallergenic formula $15 per ounce (and she eats about 6 ounces a day), but there are studies that show a higher level of neurotoxins in hypoallergenic formula than in either soy-based or milk-based formula. Of course, I decided that meant I have to breastfeed her until she's at least one year if not older.
To eliminate her eczema flare ups I need to eliminate foods from my diet. It's not the end of the world, but it is difficult. Do you know that soy is in everything? And it seems that no one carries egg replacer - sure, there is egg substitute, but egg substitute has a main ingredient of egg whites.
So the two things causing me to be a bit more sleep-deprived than the usual early a.m. diaper changes and feedings is her allergies and her eczema.
Further, Mark and I had been feeling fairly disconnected from each other. Without meaning to, I was telling him how to parent (something I hate witnessing in other parents). I'm with Sydney all day and I had maintained that I knew what she needed and all of that. Understandably, he was a bit irritated by that. And I was holding in alot of anger with him. And then there was the "other" issue looming over our heads: sex. Usually we are great at communicating with one another, but at the end of the night we just were not talking much about anything.
Added to that was the stress of not being able to get any of the three breast pumps to work. I'd reached the point where I was convinced that my boobs just wouldn't pump and I envisioned not being able to leave Sydney with a sitter for the next year. I love her and I miss her when she's out of my sight for even two seconds, but I still want to be able to go out for coffee (decaf, rice milk coffee of course) without her. Or to maybe get back to work. Or even to have a date with my husband where we eat dinner and have a glass of wine or two. So because the pumps would not work for me, I didn't think any of those things were possible.
There I was Saturday morning, feeling guilty for contributing to Sydney's unhappiness, feeling sad for myself, not communicating my desires/unhappiness/self-doubts/anger with Mark, feeling disconnected from Mark because he wants to resume our sex life and I so do NOT, and assuming I'll never have one free moment to myself ever in the next year at least. There were some other issues fighting for attention in my mind that night/early morning also, but I'm not ready to talk about those.
I'm glad I waited a few days before writing about my dark night. A few days' perspective always seems to help, because things have improved.
I saw a lactation consultant today who helped me with the pump issue. I'm embarassed to say it, but there is one tiny, part (five centimeters in length) that was missing from the pump and a part I thought needed to be removed during the pumping session that was supposed to be ON causing all of the problems. Once the Lactation consultant adjusted everything for me, I pumped out 5 ounces of milk in 15 mintues. Clearly, nothing wrong with my boobs. (She was quite impressed with my body's ability to produce milk). Now I know how to use it and when to use it, so I can feel a bit of freedom if I need to. I tried to pump later today and I couldn't get anything out of it, but I am hoping that was just a fluke.
I found the number to Mark's allergist that he saw as a baby. I need to find out if our insurance will pay without a referral from the Ped. I'm hoping they will because our Pediatrician isn't cheap, even with insurance, and I'd like to skip that step if I can. Once I get in to see the specialist and gain some more knowledge I'll be happier.
Now, if only she would sleep long enough for me to pack a box things will go along more smoothly. I know this will pass and once we're in our new house we'll all be happier, but I just can't seem to get one day at a time right now -- they all blend together.
And of course, I'm constantly in battle with my "Am I a good mom?" voice. The most recent issue that makes me dispute my abilities as a parent is that Sydney has a yeast infection in the folds of her neck. I am not making this up. I noticed yesterday a bright, red rash that spread across her neck but I assumed it was part of the eczema. Then this morning, Mark wakes her to change her diaper and get her ready for the day, and tells me her cute baby smell has been replaced with something "funky". She and I had just nursed lying down together so I just assumed it was sour milk. But no, things cannot be that easy, and it turns out the nurse says what I'm describing is a yeast infection. She says it's fairly common (I hope it is, because I'm grossed out and want to bathe her every ten minutes). My poor daughter, eczema and a yeast infection. Nice job mom!
But she doesn't seem bothered by the yeast infection. She just hangs out trying to scratch her face and occasionally smiling and looking into my eyes.
posted by Swiftyjess at 11:24 AM
8 Comments:
You sound so tired and so stressed. Here is a little motherly advice, cause I think I'm probably old enough to be your Mom.
Anyway. Relax. Most kids grow up despite the fact that we as parents are very far from perfect.
We try. And that's all anyone can ask for.
Get an allergy evaluation. My youngest daughter had terrible exema, so I've been there. Her thing was the preservatives in processed foods. I made my own bread, and almost every little thing was made from scratch. I felt overwhelmed.
Time passes and before you know it, you will look back it this will all be a memory.
And the problem about your Hubby, this is what I did. When he would come home I would give him the baby and I would go off and do something. Maybe it was laundry, maybe it was taking a hot bath. But I gave him and our girls their little time without me. It was so good for all of us.
Yep. I hear ya.
I can say with assurance that you are a great mom! And, in true mom fashion, I will question my own abilities in the next breath ;)
Graham looks a mess right now. He's got some serious baby acne and diaper rash (and I think he has thrush, but the doctors don't think so). I feel like it's all my fault and I'm constantly drawing attention to these things.
Also, I feel like a bad mom when I get frustrated with him. I love him so much, but when it's the middle of the night and he won't stop grunting and squirming I start to lose my patience and then I feel all guilty!
It's definitely tough sometimes. Feel free to call when it is...
JuliaG.
Maribeth
Thanks for the kind reminders. I do try to give hubby the baby when he gets home.
And I think I have to wait until she's a bit older to do an allergy evaluation just yet. I'm working on it though.
I'd love to relax. That will my goal for the rest of my trial as a parent, I imagine.
JuliaG.
I hear you about the impatience thing. Instead of getting impatient with her I become impatient with Mark. Isn't he lucky?
I have also eliminated dairy, soy, eggs, and nuts. They do sell oat "milk". It is a nice substitute for watery rice dream. Ener-g is an egg replacer that can be found in Health food stores as well as Trader Joe's and Whole Foods if you have either near you. Whole Foods is a great resource, but a bit expensive. Hopefully (at least I'm hopeful :) ), we can introduce some foods back into the diet before we know it! A year is such a short time when you look back. Just think, it's probably been a year since you conceived. Doesn't seem that long, right?
I forgot to sign my post and wanted to add that babycenter.com has a great food allergies bulliten board that is very active and full of great info and recipes!
~Kim
I'm a little behind on the posts, but everything you talked about it soooo normal. There is a lot of quilt involved when you tried so hard to conceive - you think you should be greatful all the time. Guess what - you can't be. And just wait until she starts to talk :) I've been there so if you ever need to vent....
well, babe, I'm baby-less so can't help much in that department. But I love YOU and I love MARK and I love SYDNEY and I'm rooting for all of you to make it through this. All of your feelings, toward yourself and Mark and Sydney are very natural feelings to be having and by the way, this is a psychologically acknowledged Life Change Stage, you know, which means that it's supposed to be rocky and confusing and made up of all new thoughts and feelings and adaptations and that probably doesn't make you feel a lot better right now but you are loved and you will make it and you can add me to the list of people you can call ANYTIME. smooch, chet.
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